When one has the
luxury of plenteous time in retirement – or, rather, one hopes one has the
luxury of plenteous time – one’s mind can turn to the little ‘fripperies’ of
life and consider them in more detail.
One such ‘frippery’ surely, for all thinking and feeling human beings, I
trust you’ll agree, must be toilet paper, or to be more precise, the perfect
toilet paper, the one which is as soft as a lambs fleece, as absorbent as 25
ply blotting paper and as tough as the cellophane one thinks will rip easily
but after 5 minutes one concedes and attacks with scissors, having tried
variously and vainly a finger nail with a ragged edge, a butter knife, a biro
point and the door key.
Now, I’m 67, and so far on life’s generally jolly journey I have yet to find it and, by God, it’s not through lack of trying! That said, I wouldn’t like you to think that this is an obsession for me, no, no, not for a moment, but from time to time I am still, in precious and most private moments, brought short by the fact that my search may be over. I have just returned from such a precious and private moment, as I write.
Having completed the task at hand I reached for the fresh roll, a brand new product, in my experience, and therefore redolent with potential and my continued, possibly naïve, hope. As I pulled the paper tentatively toward me it felt like gossamer, soft, silken, like the combined webs of a thousand industrious spiders. My heart, as I sat enthroned and enthralled, skipped a beat! Tenderly, as one would stroke a most timorous mouse, I drew it toward me. It was a tactile delight approaching ecstasy and I thought, oh joy, the time had come!
The sensation of its beautiful softness and gossamer thin sheets became familiar, however, indeed one could say common-place, as the realisation and reality came to me that it was of such a fine and exquisite sensitivity because some remarkable entrepreneur had managed to manufacture a product less than a nanometre in thickness.
I sat, silent and still for a moment considering this truly wonderful breakthrough for humanity, whilst resting my now weary arms from pulling so much of this marvelous and magical material to put to use in a manner far too crude for one to be comfortable with, since, when paper is as thin, almost, as the very air itself, much must be employed for the task for which I required it.
After my unexpected twenty minute peregrination I was still at a loss as to worthy employment for the miraculous material, and so much was my mind taken by this thought I nearly fell over two dogs and three cats who had gathered outside the door, concerned, I think, for my welfare during this most uncommonly long absence.
I confess to you now, though I remain awestruck by the properties of this most unexpected and remarkable product, I can think of no proper use for it; what wonders it could be used for in the quantum world or the world of the microbe are beyond my limited knowledge or imagination but, sadly, of one thing I’m sure, it isn’t toilet paper! The search continues.
Now, I’m 67, and so far on life’s generally jolly journey I have yet to find it and, by God, it’s not through lack of trying! That said, I wouldn’t like you to think that this is an obsession for me, no, no, not for a moment, but from time to time I am still, in precious and most private moments, brought short by the fact that my search may be over. I have just returned from such a precious and private moment, as I write.
Having completed the task at hand I reached for the fresh roll, a brand new product, in my experience, and therefore redolent with potential and my continued, possibly naïve, hope. As I pulled the paper tentatively toward me it felt like gossamer, soft, silken, like the combined webs of a thousand industrious spiders. My heart, as I sat enthroned and enthralled, skipped a beat! Tenderly, as one would stroke a most timorous mouse, I drew it toward me. It was a tactile delight approaching ecstasy and I thought, oh joy, the time had come!
The sensation of its beautiful softness and gossamer thin sheets became familiar, however, indeed one could say common-place, as the realisation and reality came to me that it was of such a fine and exquisite sensitivity because some remarkable entrepreneur had managed to manufacture a product less than a nanometre in thickness.
I sat, silent and still for a moment considering this truly wonderful breakthrough for humanity, whilst resting my now weary arms from pulling so much of this marvelous and magical material to put to use in a manner far too crude for one to be comfortable with, since, when paper is as thin, almost, as the very air itself, much must be employed for the task for which I required it.
After my unexpected twenty minute peregrination I was still at a loss as to worthy employment for the miraculous material, and so much was my mind taken by this thought I nearly fell over two dogs and three cats who had gathered outside the door, concerned, I think, for my welfare during this most uncommonly long absence.
I confess to you now, though I remain awestruck by the properties of this most unexpected and remarkable product, I can think of no proper use for it; what wonders it could be used for in the quantum world or the world of the microbe are beyond my limited knowledge or imagination but, sadly, of one thing I’m sure, it isn’t toilet paper! The search continues.
