A Work In Progress

One night I dreamt that I was a

Hollow Man and dwelt I in a harsh,

Alien and most uncaring land.

Hungry, weary, battered and worn,

Haunted by my world of unrelenting

Misery, cruelty and fear,

I lay me down upon my bed

To take a little ease and

T’was but moments before,

Though hard was the board

Upon which I nightly slumbered,

Into a deep sleep I fell,

(An escape at times;

In others the nightmare continued.)

And had me a dream within a dream.

I dreamt I was walking in a great forest;

The trees dwarfing even cedar giants,

The ground clear of all entanglement,

No bushes, weeds or saplings here,

Just grass and moss, lawn-like and soft,

So it was walked I on with no thought to my footfall.

Neither bird-song nor insects hum was there

To be heard, nor high dog-fox bark,

Just an Owl, a silent presence, ghost white,

Beckoning somehow that I might follow.

This did I with alacrity, for there was naught else,

And soon it was that I stood before

Such a mighty oak as it is hard to imagine.

Set within the massive trunk was a door,

And a strong, chasm deep voice

Reached gentle-like, but most firm,

Into my mind and spake thus:

“Enter thou unto me for I am

The Tree of Knowledge.”

And this I did and for three long years.

I studied all my mind could grasp,

All the tree would offer,

Of philosophy and the words of poets,

Religion, art, ethics, morality and science.

Psychology too was mine, fascinated as am I

By the minds of my fellow creatures.

Sociology was there, music, mechanics,

The study of animals, of friendship

And warfare, both, and sport in lieu.

On progressed my learning,

The broad reach of the stars,

And other things astronomical. 

Physics, history and the arts filled my mind,

Biology, theology, archaeology fascinated –

There learned I all I could understand and

At times a little more!

Then it was that I left,

That place of wonders for my intellect,

And once more the phantasm,

The silent and ethereal Owl,

Beckoned that again I should follow,

And, puzzled I, possessing all my knowledge,

Did so, through the hushed forest,

Wanting to know the why and how of it.

At the last, stood I before

A vast waterfall of tears, a willow,

And a voice, melancholy beyond measure,

Spake direct unto my heart,

Calling me to enter in,

She being the Tree of Sorrows.

This did I, with much of foreboding,

And for five anguished years studied I there,

Learning of the searing pain of betrayal,

The burning of hatred seeking revenge,

Of internal torment, loneliness,

Being utterly unloved, hopelessness,

Emptiness, and the immeasurable anguish,

Tearing and ripping at the heartstrings,

Of the death of thy beloved, or worse,

At the senseless death of child.

There too was I taught about the casual taking of lives,

Of complicity in the plight of suffering masses,

Of voracity and cupidity which had no thought of other,

Of grief, of lost opportunity, dreams shattered,

Chances not taken and everlastingly regretted,

The slow drip, drip, care-less erosion of hope,

Dying with awareness of one’s life wasted,

The terrors of war, inequity, torture –

An almost endless catalogue of horrors

That is the cruel and unjust lot of the losers,

Oh so many, they, in the lottery of life.

And the day came when my heart knew

All that there was to know of anguish,

Torment, revulsion and wretchedness,

And truth be told,

I could stand no more

And maintain some form of sanity.

Slow though left I, uncertain now of the world,

Despite my gift of knowledge,

From the mighty Oak.

Entered I once more the silent forest,

Dressed now as it was in darkness,

Kissed by strips of moonlight

Dancing in the glades,

And there once more

The familiar, wraithlike bird

Flew, soundless, to lead me to

What mystery I knew not,

But unquestioning followed I,

Weary beyond comprehension,

My heart almost rent in twain

By the copious, oft endless

And senseless sufferings of

Unnoticed, and over and again uncared for,

Battered, humiliated and abused humanity,

Living and struggling in tormented lives,

Dying in sad, unremarked, obscurity,

Their skills and potential forever lost,

An unseen tragedy for all unaware humanity.

I know not for how long followed I thus,

So smart of mind, so heavy of heart,

But in a timeless time later came I

To a glorious jasmine tree,

Fragrant white blossom, soft upon my eyes,

Their trumpet forms blowing forth

Its sweet, rich fragrance,

A balm for my aching heart,

And my step more of a pace showed

As forward walked I and called she to me,

Called to my bruised, sorrowful heart,

And learned I that she was the Tree of Love.

There entered I in with no thought of other,

And thus remained full eight charmed,

Yes, and truth to say, enchanted years,

Learning and feeling all that love can bring.

Touched, was I, by tenderness, selfless devotion,

And the loving sacrifices made by some;

The screaming longings of love,

And longings satisfied.

The ecstasy two loving bodies can enjoin,

And a desirable belonging, melding,

Being one in two and

Two in one, with lives entwined;

The sharing of beauty,

The sharing of dreams,

And companionship love, grown over time.

There, too, learned I of a Mystery Love,

That Love from which we came,

And that eternal Love to which we return.

Learned I too of love of learning,

Love of life, be it large or small,

Long or fleeting,

If well lived,

Respecting the gift

Of new days, plump with possibilities.

As said in the ancient tongue,

‘Carpe diem!’

And after those years my heart was full

To overflowing, sated by love at the last,

And wandered I forth

Into the soft lit silence of the Forest,

And once more the Owl was there,

To lead me yet again;

And thought I with foreboding

It would be to the Tree Of Hate,

But no, not so, for that was borne

In every terrible facet in the Tree of Sorrow.

It was thus with surprise arrived I at

That which is called, also in the olden speech

Araucaria araucana, an immense Monkey Puzzle,

With a door now faint, now firm of image,

And a voice both kind and cruel,

Joyous and pitiful,

Loud and soft,

Making welcome;

And entered I accordingly

Into the Tree Of Chaos.

There it was sojourned I

For full ten bizarre, demanding years,

And learned I to backwards think

From hurricane to butterfly,

And of the quantum world

Which behaves not as once expected;

Of particle entanglement and

Superpositioning, making what

Once certain was assuredly not so,

And the speed of light

The limit no longer.

I learned about the cosmic joke

Relating to the best laid plans of man,

And unintended consequences,

Of love that turns to hate,

And hate that to love turns,

Of much overrated sincerity

To savagery leading;

Too, the kindest of intent,

The most compassionate of action

Leading to vast tragedy unseen.

Learned I how knowledge

Sorrow, pain and love,

Can seem naught but chimera

In the world of chaos.

But so from chaos

The Universe was formed,

And chaos cannot be

Without sentient perception,

And their participation;

For a tree within the forest,

If truth be told, maketh not a sound

If it should swift-like fall,

Unless there be ears to hear it.

I learned that chaos is the natural state,

That only by backwards thinking

May it be fully understood,

As strive we to surround ourselves

With islands of certainty;

And oft it is, seeming we to win,

But these tiny motes of tranquillity

Too small for measurement are,

In that which we call time,

And think an absolute when it is not,

When from a different vantage point,

Time dilation occurs,

In a relativistic universe,

Or from all eternity it is seen.

And thus the belittling lesson

Of insignificance and uncertainty acquired I,

And dispirited and more alone

Than ere had I been afore,

With conflicting logic,

No absolute truths,

Paradox and no certain

Place to stand my intellect,

And all my learning of things,

And of love, hate and sorrow,

Staggered I forth reeling into

The silent wood once more.

My spirit, unsettled by feelings of

Profound insecurity in a chaotic and oft

Incomprehensible, ever-changing world,

Searched for the certainty of the Owl,

And instant it was that my disposition lifted

As it called soft unto me,

Breaking at the last the silence,

And followed I, more spritely,

The bird now wearing a cloak

Of feathers, shimmering

As does a rainbow in the dawn light.

Long, it seemed, I walked thus,

But saw I naught of life

Other than the mighty trees

And my scintillating guide.

Surprised then was I to behold

A tree much different from the rest.

Large it was, certes,

Larger by far than those

Which stood as its companions,

But it was alone,

The only one I beheld

Within that endless, silent forest,

An indomitable, enduring sequoia.

The door within its vast trunk

With colour coruscated,

Matching thus my feathered guide,

And instant, it was, that I knew

This was to be my last and longest sojourn,

Though in my confused innocence

And knowledge of that which knowable was,

I knew not that from there I would depart

To mine own world of love and hate,

Of sorrow, pain and oft impotent knowledge,

With an armour, a sword and shield,

With which to make it mine;

And entered I then within

The Tree of Hopes and Dreams.

It was here I tarried more years

Than my aged brain can recall,

And filled they were with

Wild and wonderful imaginings,

The glories of what might be,

Could be, and sometimes was.

Here I met the most beauteous,

The most seductive,

The most alluring Pandora,

And it was she who me told the story of

A butterfly not born for chaos

And wild, destructive winds,

But for Hope,

A light after the dark and savage storm,

An unexpected and lingering kiss,

A tender touch following rage,

A caressing smile in the rain.

It was within this place of enchantments

Met I also, most miraculous Morpheus,

He who to sleepers blows charms

And marvellous magics;

Dreams of high castles set

Like eyries among the rugged crags,

They, snow-capped and lustrous,

And low, lush valleys with sparkling ribbons

Flowing languidly, silver shards of fishes

Darting in the clear waters;

Too, made he visions of lovers reunited,

The warring finding peace,

Fearful folk discovering courage

And the wicked, redemption.

All things were possible.

I know not how left I there or,

Truth to tell, why. 

Of all I had learned,

Aye, learned and felt,

In my head, my heart and bowels,

This place charmed me the most,

For saw I at the last that in a world

Of knowledge most extraordinary,

Pain most savage, most poignant,

Most ghastly, most purifying,

And love, lost and found,

Sorrow most deep, most high,

Chaos most unutterably complex,

Deterministic by backward thinking,

And redolent with potentialities,

That all these contributed to

Hopes and Dreams.

And through Hopes and Dreams it is

That humankind will overcome all

Obstacles; live they through terror,

Horror, pain and sorrow,

And use they the power

Of knowledge, oft hard-won,

The sharp, clawing lessons

Of hatred, backward thinking

And certain uncertainty,

Failure and fear,

Their bellies filling with fire,

And love to bend chaos

To their will, and through triumph

And disaster both, reaching out,

Reaching out to each other,

Reaching out with Hope,

Reaching out, chaos to control,

Their Dreams to pursue,

And the future to make their own.

And when awoke I to the harsh

World of my dream outside a dream,

I rose from that hard board

In one flowing movement,

Assured as was I of a fate

To be of mine own making.

Glanced I at my belongings,

Those things which had so mattered,

Pathetic now, and meaningless;

All there was of no consequence;

And walked I from my abode,

Set my eyes upon the far peak

Of the curved mountain,

That which called we

The Lady, and that which

My life long wished I to climb

And stare down on the hidden

Lands and peoples beyond.

And took I then, unhesitant,

My first step into my future.

What ere the consequences,

This was my life, my route,

My eternal soul,

My chaotic potentialities,

My Hopes and my Dreams

For better, for worse, mine!

And behind me heard I such a clamour,

Wild shouts, dire warnings and

Shots were fired.  The pain was

Sudden and anguished. I felt

As though to fall but it was not so

And swift it was I straightened up

And stepped forth on my route again.

The sun brighter shone, the grey

Sky, now blue and many birds

Flew and sang, with insects too

Contributing to the carolling of the choir.

And an White Owl flew to me,

And upon my shoulder sat.

And knew I the Owl,

As she knew me,

Having sat thus, always,

Cosy upon my shoulder,

But by me unseen,

My better angel,

Banishing at the last,

The Hollow Man.

She hooted soft,

Gentle nibbled my ear,

And the road rose to meet me,

The gentle wind at my back,

The sun warm on my face,

As went we to seek mine own true destiny,

My eternal soul yearning yet to know more,

To grow in giving, kindness, love and grace;

A work in progress.